he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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