Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
