My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
