She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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