Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Green mimosas i think yes
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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