guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
