She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
