I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
