lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
