I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
