my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
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this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
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