i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
