I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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