i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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