Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
