She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
