dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just found puke in my bra..
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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