if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
