No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
It's blow job season.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
