There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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