Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
