Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
