I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
