the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I am mentally ready for anal.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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