It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
ttyl tear gas
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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