Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
