Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
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His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
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Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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