I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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