Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
