Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
