i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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