is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
