My Higher Power is John Stamos
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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