I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize