It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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