I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
