I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
