My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
