I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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