Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
