Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
