I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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