i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
