Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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