They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
