im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
