She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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