You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
BRING THE BAGELS
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
