I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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