Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
