im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
