I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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