No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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