It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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