i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
